Rania's Conversion Story
I was raised in a family of 3 kids by our mom; our father died in my formative years. I grew up in a suburban area in the mid-western United States. Our parents chose our city for its “great schools” among other things. Although right next door to a large African American community, our city itself was generally all white "Christians" with just a few different nationalities, mostly various Europeans and even fewer different religions other than the many sects of Christianity. All through my early education, the schools I attended celebrated Christmas and Easter with fervor, with hardly a (known) parental voice of descent. We sang traditional Christmas songs, decorated Christmas-themed artwork, the whole nine yards. Acknowledging or celebrating another faith, we just didn't do that in school. Hence this really made for an education which was very far from multicultural and quite non-inclusive, the opposite of what is increasingly widespread now.
My family wasn't a very religious family, and aside from attending church leading up to the death of my father, we were not church goers. It wasn't until I turned about 15 that I had more close connection with religion. During the summer, I attended a Christian summer camp with a friend who had been involved with a local church's youth group who sponsored the trip. I remember attending what I'm not sure what to call other than a recruitment for new people to let Jesus into their hearts. I actually later felt kind of duped into accepting its goal. I eagerly embraced the new activities and friends and even was baptized by my own initiative. It didn't take long for me to become disconnected with the faith, losing interest. For me, there were just too few answers to many questions and numerous contradictions I couldn't resolve.
I floundered for a few years. It really wasn't until my senior year in high school that I had my first real introduction to the religion of Islam. It was in a Geography course taught by Mrs. Grierson, who was an active and gregarious older teacher filled with many interesting life experiences and stories of her world travels. She taught a unit on Islam, just a basic introduction, and totally non-political. I remember she even made tabbouli to share with the class as a way to enhance the subject. Not a single stuck-up kid tried it, including me, I do hate to admit. I learned in her class for the first time of the 5 pillars of Islam, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the holy book called the Quran (Ko-RAN, as they say!). Really what struck me most about this newfound information I think was the sheer number of Muslims: we learned that nearly a billion people in the world held Islam as their faith. I remember thinking "How is it that a billion people could be Muslim if there wasn't some substance to it?" There had to be a story for this, I thought, and made a general note that I hoped sometime down the road I'd explore this in a little more depth. At the same time however, there was one misconception which she may have helped promote: It was by providing some reading material for the class, which I clearly remember the theme being the false idea that the “Koran” says Muslim men can beat their wives. Despite this, I still say props to her for introducing me to Islam.
It so happened that at the time I was delving into Islam in Geography class I was dating a guy for the last many months who unbeknownst to me was "Muslim". I found this out only when I found a Quran on a shelf in his mother's home, and asked if he was Muslim (now that I just learned that the Quran was the holy book of Muslims!). He really didn't have any outward expression of a Muslim in behaviors and such, but did readily admit to being "Muslim." I remember at the time Ramadan had just passed and I questioned his non-observance of it. Probably due to my lack of life experiences, I should have taken some pause later on in his detached observance of his faith.
Another year passed, things had become serious with him and we were now facing a youthful marriage engagement. He shared with me an informational book about Islam. I did slightly resist acceptance of Islam before knowing enough, thinking I already knew enough; even pre 9/11, there was the commonly believed propaganda that Muslims beat their wives (indoctrination via the public schools, as illustrated in my above example). Certainly I didn't see THAT as the kind of thinking I wanted to involve myself in. I did however read the book he gave me. Really, this book was pivotal in making me really understand a variety of ideas but primarily what it means to be a prophet, the reasons Allah sends prophets, and the confirmation that Mohammad (peace be upon him) was the last and final prophet of God. After I read this book, I wanted to be Muslim, as I now knew enough to convince me Islam was true. I located a mosque nearby to complete my shahada in March of 1996. I converted to Islam in full faith, not coerced by anyone in the slightest.
Sharing my conversion with my mom in particular proved to be a burden weighing on me. My siblings were not an issue for me; in the United States, it's quite the norm for many people to have sort of a non-religious existence, and it was true for them too, so certainly this news of mine would hardly matter to them. Actually I am not super close with my mom and she's not an ultra-religious zealot or anything, but sharing personal things with her has in many cases proved difficult so this was no exception. I don't think I actually admitted that I was Muslim until probably about 6 months later. I DO however remember some of her specific reactions. She said in genuine searching, "You mean, you don't believe that Jesus Christ is your personal savior?" --then she said I was "delusional." Another thought she shared was that I was, "doing it for him" (my now husband).
I guess I'm pretty lucky she didn't shut me out of her life, because some people have severe reactions like that. But for her, my religion has always been a source of complete discomfort as well as misunderstanding. Probably within that same year that I converted, while visiting my mom in her home, I found a book she had which explained world religions. Curiously, I searched to see what it said about Islam. It had only about a full page or two devoted to explanation (and condemnation) of Islam, being written by a Christian from a Christian perspective. I was annoyed by the misrepresentation, but actually I guess I can't say I was surprised; I myself remembered searching bookstore shelves for books on Islam, and found them non-existent. This was simply what was available to her. Even now, with the freely available worldwide web, trying to find the right answers is difficult without perspective--if you don't already have some basic knowledge, how can one discern that what one reads, finds, explores, etc. is the truth? Another part of me really wished (and still does) that my mom would just be more open and ask me about any questions she had.
Actually, the first years I spent after converting to Islam were not much different than the years prior. It is sort of reminiscent of how Islam began its entrance to the early Muslims' lives, at the time of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him); Islam being gradually introduced over many years with allowances and prohibitions taking their time to be imposed. I definitely identified as Muslim, but two things were at play in halting my progress in my journey towards living Islam. One was my husband, who in retrospect I felt just introduced me to Islam to sort of pacify some members of his family that, yes indeed, he had at least tried to share Islam with me. Maybe he hadn't anticipated that I would convert. Taking on the responsibility of ushering a new Muslim through one's own ill-practiced religion is certainly not ideal. The second obstacle in advancing my faith was the community I was surrounded by. There were Muslims in the community, but their practice of Islam I realized later was so blurred by cultural influence that it essentially obscured Islam. When you are a convert, you really are like a blank slate. You start all over from the beginning in shaping new ideas and behaviors because they are totally unknown to you! You almost MUST look to your surroundings to help you along in your path of understanding and practice. Through the 7 years or so before my divorce, I had a genuine wish in my heart to draw nearer to Allah SWT and practice my faith. My divorce and subsequent removal of myself from surroundings which didn't nurture Islam allowed that.
For me, it's been hard to share Islam with others unless they first express some genuine interest in knowing more; I feel you just get that empty annoyed stare which says, “Please, spare me.” With my mom, I still feel there's a lot of tension surrounding my adoption of Islam, even years later. My siblings are essentially non-religious. They don't ask questions either. Part of me is hurt by this lack of inquiry from my family because I feel (wrong or right) that it shows a certain amount of disinterest in me as their family member. I do feel that sense of being unaccepted. I also can never get over the feeling that they are even embarrassed to be seen with me in my hijab in public. It hurts for sure.
I do actually have a couple of people in my family, other than my husband and kids of course, who accept me for who I am on my path in Islam. The first person is my uncle. He's also non-religious, but genuinely so kind, nonjudgmental, and inquisitive about my faith. His curiosity has been so much so that I see a window of opportunity for him that he could possibly embrace Islam, by the grace of God alone. Another surprising supporter in my family is my aunt. I say it's surprising because she's an extremely devout Catholic; one would think anyone qualifying as devout in their faith would reject all others, but it’s not the case here. My relationship with her has been enhanced and developed even more so in recent years, and I recognize her openness, inquisitiveness, and curiosity in relation to my faith as part of the energy forging our increasing bond. I guess too that it's some of the commonalities our religions share (and there are a number of them) that we have a mutual respect and we find common ground.
My path on Islam has been filled with twists and turns, and I am forever discovering new challenges and knowledge. I know I have challenged many peoples' understanding of what a Muslim is just by my example. Inshallah I hope to encourage others to see Islam through my eyes and be inspired to dig deeper for the real Islam, the one so commonly defamed in the media.
I floundered for a few years. It really wasn't until my senior year in high school that I had my first real introduction to the religion of Islam. It was in a Geography course taught by Mrs. Grierson, who was an active and gregarious older teacher filled with many interesting life experiences and stories of her world travels. She taught a unit on Islam, just a basic introduction, and totally non-political. I remember she even made tabbouli to share with the class as a way to enhance the subject. Not a single stuck-up kid tried it, including me, I do hate to admit. I learned in her class for the first time of the 5 pillars of Islam, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the holy book called the Quran (Ko-RAN, as they say!). Really what struck me most about this newfound information I think was the sheer number of Muslims: we learned that nearly a billion people in the world held Islam as their faith. I remember thinking "How is it that a billion people could be Muslim if there wasn't some substance to it?" There had to be a story for this, I thought, and made a general note that I hoped sometime down the road I'd explore this in a little more depth. At the same time however, there was one misconception which she may have helped promote: It was by providing some reading material for the class, which I clearly remember the theme being the false idea that the “Koran” says Muslim men can beat their wives. Despite this, I still say props to her for introducing me to Islam.
It so happened that at the time I was delving into Islam in Geography class I was dating a guy for the last many months who unbeknownst to me was "Muslim". I found this out only when I found a Quran on a shelf in his mother's home, and asked if he was Muslim (now that I just learned that the Quran was the holy book of Muslims!). He really didn't have any outward expression of a Muslim in behaviors and such, but did readily admit to being "Muslim." I remember at the time Ramadan had just passed and I questioned his non-observance of it. Probably due to my lack of life experiences, I should have taken some pause later on in his detached observance of his faith.
Another year passed, things had become serious with him and we were now facing a youthful marriage engagement. He shared with me an informational book about Islam. I did slightly resist acceptance of Islam before knowing enough, thinking I already knew enough; even pre 9/11, there was the commonly believed propaganda that Muslims beat their wives (indoctrination via the public schools, as illustrated in my above example). Certainly I didn't see THAT as the kind of thinking I wanted to involve myself in. I did however read the book he gave me. Really, this book was pivotal in making me really understand a variety of ideas but primarily what it means to be a prophet, the reasons Allah sends prophets, and the confirmation that Mohammad (peace be upon him) was the last and final prophet of God. After I read this book, I wanted to be Muslim, as I now knew enough to convince me Islam was true. I located a mosque nearby to complete my shahada in March of 1996. I converted to Islam in full faith, not coerced by anyone in the slightest.
I guess I'm pretty lucky she didn't shut me out of her life, because some people have severe reactions like that. But for her, my religion has always been a source of complete discomfort as well as misunderstanding. Probably within that same year that I converted, while visiting my mom in her home, I found a book she had which explained world religions. Curiously, I searched to see what it said about Islam. It had only about a full page or two devoted to explanation (and condemnation) of Islam, being written by a Christian from a Christian perspective. I was annoyed by the misrepresentation, but actually I guess I can't say I was surprised; I myself remembered searching bookstore shelves for books on Islam, and found them non-existent. This was simply what was available to her. Even now, with the freely available worldwide web, trying to find the right answers is difficult without perspective--if you don't already have some basic knowledge, how can one discern that what one reads, finds, explores, etc. is the truth? Another part of me really wished (and still does) that my mom would just be more open and ask me about any questions she had.
For me, it's been hard to share Islam with others unless they first express some genuine interest in knowing more; I feel you just get that empty annoyed stare which says, “Please, spare me.” With my mom, I still feel there's a lot of tension surrounding my adoption of Islam, even years later. My siblings are essentially non-religious. They don't ask questions either. Part of me is hurt by this lack of inquiry from my family because I feel (wrong or right) that it shows a certain amount of disinterest in me as their family member. I do feel that sense of being unaccepted. I also can never get over the feeling that they are even embarrassed to be seen with me in my hijab in public. It hurts for sure.
I do actually have a couple of people in my family, other than my husband and kids of course, who accept me for who I am on my path in Islam. The first person is my uncle. He's also non-religious, but genuinely so kind, nonjudgmental, and inquisitive about my faith. His curiosity has been so much so that I see a window of opportunity for him that he could possibly embrace Islam, by the grace of God alone. Another surprising supporter in my family is my aunt. I say it's surprising because she's an extremely devout Catholic; one would think anyone qualifying as devout in their faith would reject all others, but it’s not the case here. My relationship with her has been enhanced and developed even more so in recent years, and I recognize her openness, inquisitiveness, and curiosity in relation to my faith as part of the energy forging our increasing bond. I guess too that it's some of the commonalities our religions share (and there are a number of them) that we have a mutual respect and we find common ground.
My path on Islam has been filled with twists and turns, and I am forever discovering new challenges and knowledge. I know I have challenged many peoples' understanding of what a Muslim is just by my example. Inshallah I hope to encourage others to see Islam through my eyes and be inspired to dig deeper for the real Islam, the one so commonly defamed in the media.